Windows
by nalimom
Summary: Sam's visit to a parallel universe makes her real life much more painful


Samantha Carter sat in her quarters in the Cheyenne Mountain base of Stargate Command staring at her computer screen. She had been unable to get any work done all evening because she had not yet recovered from her recent mission, in which she had been shifted to another reality. Daniel and Janet had tried to help her, but the problem she was having wasn't physical. The fact was that, as much as she knew she belonged here… she hadn't wanted to return. To have remained would have caused problems she couldn't even imagine, but still it had taken every bit of her resolve to find a way to return. She wiped a tear from her eye and tried to go back to work. Finally she gave up and packed her computer and left to go home.

Home did not provide the peace it usually did. Instead, she thought about how similar it had been in the other reality, but how wonderfully different. She walked into the bedroom but didn't want to stay there. She lay down on the sofa instead and covered herself with a blanket. She closed her eyes and a memory immediately flooded her mind.

She had been in the alternate reality for several days and had finally gone home to her house. She was standing in the kitchen when she heard the door close. Jack O'Neill rushed up to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"God, I missed you." He kissed her and spun her around, lifting her off the floor. He kissed her again, passionately. "It's so good to be home." His hands strayed to her ass and she stiffened. "Is everything OK?" He asked her.

Carter struggled with her conscience. She was not this man's wife and yet she was right where she had dreamed of being for so long. He kissed her again and she was completely lost. "Nothing's wrong." She kissed him back. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too." He picked her up and carried her into the bedroom where he placed her on the bed and started removing her clothes.

Carter opened her eyes and was immediately overcome with the sense of loss that had plagued her since her return. She could still smell him and feel him next to her. She felt the now too familiar tears burn her eyes. This time she let them come. She cried like she had not done in years, sobbing from deep within her. She cried until she just could not cry anymore then she decided to soak in a hot tub. She was just getting out of the bath when she heard her doorbell. She wrapped in a robe and walked to the door. She looked out to see Jack O'Neill standing there, the Jack O'Neill who had no idea of the pain he caused her just by being. He knocked on the door.

"Carter, you home?"

She thought about ignoring him and waiting for him to leave, but knew that he would have seen her car on the street. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hey, Carter. What cha doin?" He asked. "You ducked out before we could ask you to eat with us. T ate seventy hot wings. I think they are going to change the rules of "All you can eat."

She managed a weak smile. "I wasn't hungry, Sir."

"Can I come in?"

She looked at him for a moment, wondering how she could say no. Instead, she took a step to the side and let him pass.

He walked into the living room and looked at a framed photo of SG-1 on her mantle. "This was a good mission. We don't get many that are as much fun as this." He set the picture back where he got it.

"What are you doing here, Sir?"

He turned to face her. He looked very uncomfortable. "There's something off with you."

"Off?" She asked, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know… not right."

"Sir, It's late. I'd like to get some rest."

"Carter, you haven't been yourself since you got back." He looked very uncomfortable. "Is there something you need to talk about. Can I help you?"

"I'm fine, Sir. I just really need some rest."

He watched her for a long moment, not believing a word of it, but having dealt with her stubbornness for years, he decided to back off. "OK, well, if you need to talk." He stepped close to her and stood there. "You know my number."

She showed him out and stood by the door, watching him get into his truck and drive away, tears clouding her vision.

"What's up, Sam?" Daniel asked as he sat next to her in her lab.

"What do you mean?" He just looked at her with an annoyed look on his face. "Fine," she said," I know what you mean."

"Come on. You can talk to me. We've known each other a long time."

"Not about this." She turned to face him. "I shouldn't even be thinking about it."

He looked at her a long time, looking as though he was deciding whether or not to say what he was thinking. "Jack?" He asked finally.

She looked at him, surprised.

"Come on Sam. We've been a team for a long time. We've been friends for a long time. I'd have to be blind not to notice how the two of you feel for each other. I know neither of you has ever been happy, but you have always dealt pretty well." He looked at her sympathetically. "What has changed to make you so miserable?"

She didn't say anything for a long time. She walked back to her chair and sat in front of her computer. She debated whether to say anything, and finally sighed and spoke. "In the alternate reality, he and I had a different relationship."

"How so?"

She hesitated. "We were married."

Daniel's mouth dropped open. "Married?"

She nodded. "It was… everything I have always wanted." Her eyes filled with tears. She took a deep breath and regained her composure. "I know I've been acting strangely since I got back, but it's been…"

"… difficult to go back to how things are in this reality."

She nodded. "Now that I know..."

Daniel took her hand and squeezed it.

"There, we were so happy. They… they are so happy. I keep trying to think of it that way."

"Has it helped?"

She shook her head and rested her head in her hands. "No."

"I'm sorry." Daniel looked at her for a long moment. "What will you do?"

"I don't know." She confessed with a weak smile. "Maybe I'll request a transfer." She said without much conviction.

Carter opened her front door to Jack O'Neill. "I have given you time, Carter, but my patience is running thin. I've heard rumors about you requesting a transfer." He said the last words with hurt evident on his face. He stepped into the living room. "We're going to talk."

She said nothing, but sat down opposite him.

"What happened to you?" He asked bluntly. "I miss our… whatever we have." His expression softened.

"Whatever we have." She repeated softly, looking away from him. When she looked back, her eyes were full of pain.

"Please, Carter." He was clearly shaken by her appearance. "Tell me what's eating you." His voice was soft and full of concern.

"Don't you see that you are the one person I can't talk to about this."

"Why?" He asked. "I'm not your commanding officer here. I'm your friend."

She shook her head and seemed to be fighting to find words. "You're always my commanding officer." Her eyes searched his for understanding.

"What happened."

She shook her head again, deciding what to say to him. She told him the whole story, leaving out some of the intimate details. "You and I have done this little song and dance for years. I have been deluding myself into thinking I was happy with my life because I had no alternative… if I wanted to be with you." She took a deep breath. "And then I experienced the alternative." She leaned in closer to him. She reached haltingly and touched his cheek.

"Carter." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"I experienced… this." She just barely brushed her lips against his. He drew a shuddering breath. She kissed him again, this time with purpose. "And this." She whispered against his lips.

He pulled back just enough to look into her eyes. The passion he saw there was overwhelming. He lost all illusion of self control and kissed her desperately. He didn't stop until they were both gasping for air.

"All you ever had to do was ask." He wrapped his arms around her.

"Sure, 'Hey sir. Would you like to throw both our careers away just to see what happens?'"

"We keep secrets for a living. What's one more?" He looked deeply into her eyes and touched her cheek softly.


End file.
